Sometimes I think my life is funny.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

That Time I Dated the Hipster Divorcee

The second guy I dated in Miami was the Hipster Divorcee. 

I was attempting to get over the first guy I dated in Miami (we’ll call him the Trust Fund Charmer, who I met two weeks after moving to Miami, fell pretty hard for, and then things got ridiculously messed up. We’ll get to that story another time because it’s hilarious).

Anyway, I was laying in bed watching P.S. I Love You, because, let’s be serious, what better way is there to get over a guy then to watch a movie that will give you completely unrealistic expectations about men? (note: I also bought The Notebook and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days during this “get over him” period because I am apparently a masochist and like to torture myself with movies about perfect guys and happy endings).

So after my brilliant viewing of P.S. I Love You I had a revelation – I want to date an Irish guy! I used to live in Ireland and had the hottest Irish guy as my roommate, so I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Irish guys. Why not? It seemed like a great idea so I went to my OKCupid account and in the search box I wrote “Irish” hoping that I would find an authentic Irish guy in Miami (because there’s obviously so many of them).

Instead I found a cute guy (maybe a 7.5 or 8) who was 25, worked on political campaigns, and said he liked Irish pubs because they remind him of his trips to Ireland. I figured this was as close as I was going to get to an Irish guy in Miami so I sent him a message. When he wrote back in complete sentences with no spelling errors I was pretty thrilled since that’s a rare find in the online dating world.

He asked me to an Irish pub and we hit it off. He was a gentleman and had a personality, so for Miami he was outstanding. Then for our second date he invited me to get burritos. Of course I had to say yes because it’s hard for me to turn down free food in general, but a free burrito? COME ON. I would get into a windowless van for a free burrito. 

However, when he picked me up he was not driving a windowless van. Worse. I was wearing jeans and a tank top and this mofo shows up wearing a bowtie and suspenders! WHAT?! The sad part is that I’m still not sure who was the one that was inappropriately dressed for the occasion.

Evidence of said bowtie and suspenders

After we got our burritos, he took me to John Martins Irish Pub where, to my surprise, we had an authentic Irish guy as our waiter (and I should have just left the hipster at that moment & gone with the Irish guy – who, after all, was EXACTLY what I was looking for in the first place). While I was busy falling in love with the Irish waiter, suddenly the hipster DROPS THE BOMB that he dated a girl in high school and college then married her and she wanted a divorce so he’s been divorced for a year now. WHAT!?!

As I tried to conceal my WTF face, I thought “I can handle this. I was engaged before and broke off the engagement about a year & a half ago. It’s not that different. Give him a shot.”  So I kept dating him.

When we were on dates, he was sweet and seemed interested, but between dates he’d never call and texts were few and far between. I’m not saying I want a guy to text me every five minutes, but at least once a day would be nice.  (Ps. He did social media for his job and he would text his roommates constantly when we were on dates, so he damn well could have texted me.)

But here’s the kicker, when we were actually on dates, his ex would come up. You’d think that’s normal right? I mean, she was such a big part of his life for so many years. Fine.

But what’s not normal? Still referring to her as your WIFE. Not ex-wife. Wife.

He would say things like “Oh my wife’s a great cook” (shut up) or “My wife lives in D.C. now”  (no really, I don't care.) And – no joke – while we were snuggling/kissing one evening he stopped to tell me about how a mayor he knows performed the ceremony at his and his WIFE’s wedding. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Did you legit just get that bored with kissing me that you thought we should talk about your wedding instead? Do you want me to punch you in the face? 

Here’s the bigger kicker – I kept dating him. Why? I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE. He barely talked to me when we weren’t on dates and when we were on dates I got to hear all about his wife. Awesome.

So one day, after about a month of dating, he texted me asking about a trial I was working on and if my boss was still calling me/texting me from trial to get materials (since I was at the office and my boss was at the trial). Because I’m so damn mature I replied “Yes, but it’s fine by me. At least I have a guy in my life that calls and texts me on a consistent basis.”

And that was it. He didn’t text me back (because he was clearly just as mature as I am) and that was fine by me because I really didn’t care to get any more updates about his wife  (she really likes the way he makes grilled cheese, by the way.) 

Abridged version for those of you who don't want to read about my life:

Tried to get over a break up. Watched P.S. I love you. Wanted to date Irish guy. Dated hipster instead. Hipster took me to an Irish pub where I met an Irish man. I made the poor decision not to run away with the Irish man. Found out the hipster used to be married. Still called his ex his wife. Got a free burrito. 

Lessons learned?

1. Don’t date a guy who talks about his “wife.”
2. When you see a hot Irish waiter, leave the Hipster Divorcee and go with the hottie instead.
3.  It was still worth it for the free burrito.

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