At some point in October I got a message from a guy on OKCupid who, while not completely charming, was able to write in complete sentences and did not have any pictures of himself shirtless in the bathroom mirror. Yes, these are my standards now. Miami has basically lowered my expectations for all men.
Anyway, we’re going to call this guy the Miserable Brazilian.
After talking online for a few days he asked me for my number. I figured, what the hell, he can spell, so why not?
We texted for a while and had actual conversations about more than shiny cars and working out (again, these are my expectations now that I live in Miami). Then one day he said something and I thought he was indicating that he wanted me to send him inappropriate selfies. Umm, no. Not happening Creepazoid. So I stopped responding to his texts. Maybe I should have just ended it there, but my life wouldn’t be nearly as interesting if I made sensible decisions.
After ignoring him for a week, he sent me one that said “Hi Steph. You’re probably busy with trial, but all goofiness aside, I’d like to feed you burritos and pasta. You’re very unique and attractive.”
Well, there we go with the burritos. Free food is my weakness.
I replied that I was busy, but I was turned off by his desire for inappropriate selfies and thus I wasn’t interested.
THAT’S RIGHT. I TURNED DOWN FREE FOOD.
He said that that wasn’t what he meant by his text and that he’d love the opportunity to show me that he’s not the typical Miami creeper.
I mean, he did offer me free food, so I did the only logical thing I could think of. I agreed to go on a date with him but only if he took me on a date that was adventurous, unique, or exciting. He was up for the challenge, so we made plans.
Before our date we texted and he seemed great via text. He also looked like Rick Grimes from Walking Dead with a little bit of Nick from New Girl mixed in, so I was actually looking forward to our date.
Date night came and he took me to a Spanish restaurant that had a flamenco dancing show. It was unique, so he gets points for that. Then we played pool afterwards. But somehow, even though we had great text conversations, talking to him in person was the most painful experience ever. It was terrible. I tried so hard. I’ve had more successful conversations with most of the small appliances in my apartment. I’ve had more thrilling conversations with workers at the DMV. I've had deeper conversations with my two year old niece who barely speaks English.
|Yes, I've had deeper conversation with this.|
He complained a little about women, and then he complained about his job. I don’t know why, but people who complain about their jobs especially turn me off.
Anyway, he asked me on a second date and promised that he was going to take me somewhere where I could touch fluffy animals. Obviously I shouldn’t have told him that food and fluffy animals are my weaknesses, but it’s too late for that now. I wasn't that into it, but I took an office vote (that’s right, my coworkers and assistants are the people who make these decisions for me) and they voted that I should go on the date with him because he was probably just nervous on Date 1 which is why our conversations made me want to smash my head into a wall.
Ok. Fine. Date 2 he takes me to Jungle Island which is basically the best place on earth. It’s a zoo and the moment you enter the park they start putting animals on you. Seriously. BEST PLACE EVER.
I roll in and see parrots and I say “you think I can touch them?” and the employee says “touch them? We’re about to pile them on you!” and suddenly, BAM, I’m covered in parrots. AMAZING.
|You can tell when I'm really excited because|
my real smile makes me look like an overly excited,
yet hideous 12 year old who is desperately
hoping to grow out of this "ugly duckling" stage in life.
Then I roll two feet forward and an employee says “wanna hold a baby alligator?” OBVIOUSLY!
|The alligator was slightly less thrilled than|
that crippled 12 year old.
Two more feet – “wanna hold a baby monkey?” YES! WHY ARE YOU EVEN ASKING ME? STOP ASKING AND START PILING THE ANIMALS ON ME ALREADY!
|PILE THE MONKEYS ON!|
This is clearly the best place ever and I’m already thrilled when suddenly the Miserable Brazilian tells me there’s a surprise for me. So we go to the front office and I sign waivers. I don’t even know what I’m signing (my law school professors would be ashamed of me for signing shit without reading it) but who cares? I’m in the land of fluffy animals. What could go wrong?
They tell us my surprise will be ready in 5 minutes, so I go to the gift shop to kill time and I’m talking to the employees about how much I love fluffy animals and how someday I want to go to this panda sanctuary in China that lets you play in a room full of baby panda for 10 minutes for $100 and how I would throw down thousands for that shit. The employee tells me that at Jungle Island for an extra $50 or something you can be in a room with baby lemurs for 25 minutes. WHAT?! SIGN ME UP!
Then the Miserable Brazilian pulls me aside and says “That guy is such an asshole.” What? “That’s what you’re about to do. That asshole just ruined your surprise.” No, Miserable Brazilian, you just ruined my surprise – I had no idea. Jerk.
I would have let this get on my nerves, but a minute later I was in a room full of baby lemurs and it was the most incredible experience ever.
|12 year olds love being attacked by lemurs.|
After that I really really wanted to like the Miserable Brazilian. Jungle Island was a great date place, the lemurs were an amazing surprise, and he was obviously more into me than I was into him which made me feel bad, so I really wanted to like this guy dammit. But every time he opened his mouth something miserable would come out. Why did he have to complain about everything?
Even though he was miserable, I really wanted to like him, so (against the advice of all of my coworkers) I agreed to a third date because he said he’d take me for a cheeseburger and cheeseburgers are my all-time weakness (and because I'm stupid).
So on Date 3 we go to Fuddruckers – I’d never been before and it was delicious. And maybe it was because he was shoving a cheeseburger in his face most of the time, but I noticed he didn’t complain nearly as much. Then on the way home he started complaining about Justin Beiber which upset me, not because I’m a semi-devoted Belieber (judge me all you want), but because, seriously, you’re complaining about JB? Really, we’ve stooped that low in complaining?? I tell him that maybe he’d be more attractive if he stopped complaining so much. Then he kept talking and I didn’t want to listen so I just turned up Ray Charles on the radio to drown out his voice.
I get home and we talk in his car and he’s not complaining and I think that maybe he’s not so bad after all, so I asked him if he wanted to see Hunger Games with me later that night.
AND THIS IS WHERE IT WENT DOWN.
We go to see Hunger Games and in the middle of the movie he starts talking. NO. I’m allowed to make comments in movies but you are not. You stay silent.
It gets worse. HE CALLS KATNISS A PLAYER.
I tell him to shut up and that he’s not helping himself so he should just stop, but he keeps going. After the movie he’s still going on about how Katniss is a player and will say anything to get what she wants out of Gale and Peeta (which is obviously not the case!) and I’m sick of his shit so I just refuse to talk to him. Then he says “She’s just like Hermione. They just say what they want to manipulate men.”
SHUT YOUR DIRTY MOUTH!
HERMIONE DOES NOT MANIPULATE MEN! We all know that she never even had any interest in Harry and she’s saved Harry’s ass a million times, but she’s never manipulated anyone.
|Hermione "manipulating" Harry and Ron, obvi.|
And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the last damn straw. He got to my building and I just got out of the car and walked inside. He thought I was kidding. He left me a voicemail that night. He tried texting me the next day too. No. You don’t insult Hermione and Katniss and think that you still get to talk to me. Goodbye.
Complain about women and your job on Date 1? You’ll get a second date. Complain and be miserable on Date 2? I’ll give you a third date! Complain about the Beibs on Date 3? I’ll deal and go on a fourth date. Talk shit about Katniss and Hermione? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE.
1. Don’t date complainers. They’re really annoying.
2. Jungle Island is the best place on earth.
3. Never tolerate a man who calls Hermione a player.