Last week I went on a date with a smart, good looking man
and I had a great time, so clearly there’s very little chance that there will
be a second date. My theory is that every time I go on a bad date my date
thinks it went really well, so if I think the date went well my date must think
the date was terrible. Plus I acted like myself the entire date which clearly
didn’t help the situation.
My great date was with the Upstate NY Lover/Hater who I met
at the New Year’s Eve party (update I’m now almost 100% sure he’s not gay). Yes,
that’s right. I went on a date with a real human that I did not meet online. I
was shocked too.
A few days after the party we started texting and apparently
I was being my usual douchey self so he asked me what it would take to have a
normal conversation with me. My answer? A cheeseburger. Duh.
|"Little girl" is catching on as a popular nickname for me. |
He also may have read my blog about him (my bad) and told me
that no one has ever called him a boring kisser before (whoops!) and that he
wanted a redo.
|C'mon. That's just awkward and adorable all at once.|
Eventually he asked me if I wanted to get a cheeseburger “sometime.”
I told him “sometime” wasn’t a date because a date has a day, time, and
location. Sorry, I’m not going to be your backup plan whenever you get bored
this week and have nothing better to do. I’m think I’m good enough that you
should make a plan to see me and look forward to it. Plus, hi, I work in a law
office where getting out before 6:30 or 7 is almost impossible unless I plan
ahead and I’m studying for the NY bar on top of that, so I actually have to plan my dates. I
can’t do everything on a whim no matter how badly I wish I could.
Finally he asks me on a real date – he says he’ll pick me up
at 7pm on Wednesday and we’ll eat cheeseburgers. Well, he said the magic word
(cheeseburger) so I said yes. But then I remembered that when we met he told me
he didn’t have a car and he just used the metro and his bike to get around, so
I was confused on how he was going to pick me up. I asked how he was going to
pick me up on his bike, but he clarified that he’d pick me up in a car.
|I've actually always wanted to ride in a |
bike basket ET style.
|I guess that's a no go for the basket riding.|
At this point I obviously needed to google him because: (1)
I needed to make sure he wasn’t a sex offender/possible murderer, and (2) I
remembered thinking he was good looking when we met but it was dark at the
party and I was a little tipsy, so I wanted to see if he was
actually good looking. Let’s just say I was more than pleasantly surprised with
the search results.
By now I already thought he was smart and attractive, but
then he stepped up his game and called me. That’s right – he called me. No guys
ever call anymore, they all just text so I’ve basically lost all hope of ever
being called, but out of nowhere this guy calls me.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND YOU’RE RAISING MY
EXPECTATIONS FOR ALL MEN NOW AND I’M JUST GOING TO END UP BEING DISAPPOINTED?!
Oh, and he doesn’t stop there. He proceeds to have an
intelligent, fun conversation with me (despite all my smartass comments) for
an hour. AN HOUR. Hi, I think you’re wonderful. Oh, but he wasn’t done yet!
Then he randomly starts playing piano, which was clearly just an attempt to
impress me, but it worked because he plays the piano well (so I told him he played
like shit, obvi) and I thought it was really cute that he was trying to impress
THANKS FOR RAISING MY STANDARDS FOR ALL MEN EVEN HIGHER,
Now that my standards are through the roof, I tell my best
friend all about this guy and how I’ve already decided I want to
kiss him and she takes it to the next level and tells me to just marry him.
|Katie has also seen the sad selection of single men, so|
she wisely advises me to marry any man that is
blows the average guy out of the water.
Great, now you’ve raised my best friend’s expectations too.
THANKS A LOT.
Finally date night comes around and when he picks me up he
attempts to get out and open my car door for me, but I missed the memo and just
got in the car. Oops. “I was going to get the door for you,” he tells me. “Sorry,”
I tell him, but then notice my security guard is watching so I say “at least my
security guard thinks you’re a gentleman.”
As we’re driving I notice his GPS is speaking in Hebrew and
he swears it’s like that all of the time but I’m wondering if it really is or if he’s just trying to impress me. I already think you’re smart,
so you don’t have to keep trying to prove yourself to me. But if you really do listen to your GPS in Hebrew all of the time, I'm even more impressed.
Then I ask him “so who did you steal the car from?”
He says, “I’ll tell you, but we need some confidentiality.
You need to promise this isn’t going in your blog.”
I promise him that I won’t put it in my blog unless it’s
“It’s not funny,” he tells me. “It’s my mom’s car.”
Really? You don’t
think that’s funny? I’m sorry, but that’s hilarious, so here it is, in my blog. (Plus, again, very little chance of a second date, so really, what's the harm in telling the world?)
“That’s cute.” I respond.
“Yeah. I feel like I’m in high school. Are you going to take
me to the mall for ice cream afterwards?” I ask because I’m a douche that likes
to ruin perfectly nice dates with great guys.
When we got to the restaurant I opened my own door again and
got out of the car. Oops again. Apparently I’m the reason chivalry is dying.
The restaurant was across the street and there was a step in
front of it, so I told him he’d need to hold my hand when we got to the step because
cripples and steps don’t exactly get along. But before we even cross the street
he starts holding my hand which was sweet, so I had to go and say, “Umm, not now. We’re not at the step yet.” I mentioned how I like to ruin nice
Despite my douchiness, this guy continued to be a gentleman
and completely charming. Over dinner he told me about his thesis and I could
see that he was genuinely excited to talk about it from the look on his face.
“You’re really bored with this, aren’t you?” he asked.
“No, I’m really not.” I told him and I wasn’t lying. Admittedly
it took a lot of explanation on his part and a lot of questions on my part for
me to start to understand sound engineering and his thesis, but just the way he
talked about it made me want to kiss him then and there.
STOP RAISING MY STANDARDS DAMN IT!
After dinner he gave me his arm while we were walking back
to the car which I thought was sweet, but instead of saying so or just keeping
my big mouth shut, I made fun of him because, again, I like to ruin things.
As we were driving back to my apartment he tells me “don’t
take this the wrong way…”
“No, stop!” I tell him. “Nothing good is going to come out
of you finishing your sentence.”
He continues anyway, “I was going to say you’re kind of a
pain in the ass.”
Well, he’s got me there.
But then he continues to tell me that he thinks there’s
something attractive about that. Oh my God just kiss me now.
As we continue driving he continues to be fun, charismatic,
and charming - essentially ruining all future dates I’ll ever have by
continuously raising my expectations for all men.
When we get to my apartment he says, “Now you stay there and
I’m going to get out and open your door for you.”
“Why? My security guard isn’t watching, so I don’t know who
you’re trying to impress,” I tell him because no one ever taught me how to just
be gracious and accept when guys are gentlemen.
“So don’t get the door then?” he asks.
“Do whatever you want,” I respond.
“If I can do whatever I want, then I think I’m going to kiss
you,” he tells me as I completely melt.
But obviously I can’t just take in the moment and appreciate
that the guy I’ve been wanting to kiss all night actually wants to kiss me, so
I say, “Today? Here? Umm… I’m waiting.”
Not to be deterred by my smartassness, he leans in and pulls
me closer to him and just as our lips are about to touch I apparently decide I
haven’t ruined the moment enough so I say “make sure you bring your A game this
time because you’re going to get a public review on my blog.”
This still doesn’t stop him and he kisses me and it’s sweet
and brilliant and I still haven’t ruined everything, so instead of just
enjoying it, I stop and say “Does your mom know what you’re doing in her car?”
“Can you please not talk about my mom while I’m trying to
kiss you,” he responds.
STEPHANIE SHUT UP THIS GUY IS WONDERFUL.
So I finally shut up and just kiss him. His kissing was
pretty good, but then at one point I think he tried too hard to bring his A
game and I had no idea what the fuck he was trying to do with his tongue and I
couldn’t help but pull away and giggle.
DON’T RUIN THIS STEPHANIE! STOP LAUGHING!
As I try to cover up my giggles he says “you’re blushing.”
“No I’m not!” I insist. “I’m just pale!”
Then I said something smartassy that I don’t even remember
and he asks, “Do you always insult guys who make you blush?”
No. Just the ones I like and want to see again. Clearly I
need to ruin this so you never ask me on another date, duh.
Then he opens my car door, and we kiss again. Then he opens
the door to my building, and we kiss again.
And then I get in the elevator and kick myself for being a
douche. But at least I went to bed smiling.
A really good looking, smart man that I met in real life
asked me on a date. He was charming and fun, so obviously I couldn’t stop
myself from being me and making smartass comments every other second. Despite
the fact that I was me, he was still a charming gentleman who raised my
expectations for all men and now I am bound to be disappointed with all of the
future men I date (as if I wasn’t already disappointed). Awesome.
1. I’m a pain in the ass. (Okay, I already knew that).
2. I can’t stop myself from ruining a really nice
date with a really great guy.
3. There is at least one charming man in Miami.