Sometimes I think my life is funny.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

That Time I Went on Multiple Awkward Dates Because I Didn't Want to Hurt the Guy by Saying No

Remember that time I told you that I went on a date with a rocket scientist? Well, here’s part 2 of that story.

A few days after our first date Rocket Man asked me to go to a burger/taco place with him and then get ice cream. Obviously I was in from the moment I heard “burger.”

So the Rocket Scientist who lives in Jupiter (and if you don’t think that’s hilarious then you have no sense of humor) drove to Miami just to take me on a date. While we were on our date he mentioned he was glad that he could take me out again since the old men basically stole all of my attention at the hockey game. Listen buddy, it’s not my fault those old men had more game than you.

“They didn’t have all my attention. I listened to you tell that bad joke.” I told him.

“Wow. You basically only paid attention to my worst moment. How did I get a second date?” he asked.

“You said ‘ice cream.’” I responded.

“Is that all it takes? You’ll keep dating me if I keep promising you ice cream?” he asked.

“It’ll work for a while.” I told him. I was serious.

Then Rocket Man took me to a delicious ice cream shop in Little Havana where I got a sweet plantain sundae which was amazing. We talked about Japan since he climbed Mt. Fuji and my old roommate/love of my life, Haruka, lives in Japan. Then he started to tell me about Colombia and growing up in Miami. Since his first language is Spanish I asked him to only speak Spanish to me so that I could learn. After 30 seconds I gave up on that shit and demanded English again.

I thought things had gone pretty well, but when he dropped me off he didn’t even attempt a kiss so I just awkwardly got out of the car. While I had no intention of kissing him anyway, the moment I got into my elevator I immediately texted my best friend to tell her how offended I was that he didn’t even try to kiss me and assumed that was the end of dating him.

To my surprise, he asked me on another date. So the next weekend he showed up at my apartment with flowers, candy, Arby’s, and his HBOGo password so that I could watch Game of Thrones. When I asked about the flowers and candy he told me it was his way of celebrating “Be Kind to Lawyers Day” (which is a real thing, btw). I think I may have offered to marry him at this point. I don’t really remember, I just remember being really excited to stuff my face with curly fries and watch a super pale woman-child with dragons take over some cities.

My personal hero.

We sat on my couch watching Game of Thrones and occasionally I would demand that he explain rocket science to me. Even though he’s brilliant (MIT and Stanford grad here!) he was so modest. It was really endearing. At one point I tried to convince him that spaceships had shoes. We even drew a picture so I could show him where the shoes were. It turns out those are engines, not shoes. Instead of making fun of me or giving me dirty looks for being so inept, he was a sweetheart and patiently explained everything to me.

Pretty accurate depiction of a spaceship if you ask me. 
We stayed up watching Game of Thrones and talking rocket science until 3am, and then I started falling asleep. During the entire time this mofo didn’t even try to make a move. Now, I’m not saying I wanted him to throw me on my bed and rip off my clothes, but at this point I expected at least a kiss! As I’m dozing off, Rocket Man finally leans in and pecks me on the cheek. Wtf is that? Are we in middle school on our first date at the roller rink?

I say “Are you waiting for an invitation or something?” and he hesitates for a solid 10 seconds before he finally kisses me. Umm. Okay?

Then he goes home and I seriously contemplate never seeing this guy again because, well, saying that was awkward doesn’t even begin to cover it. I assume he feels the same way because why else would he act so ridiculously uncomfortable with me?

Nope. I was wrong. He texted me the next day to ask me how I was doing. I felt bad because it’s not like there’s anything wrong with him – he’s not a jerk, he’s not offensive or a predator – he’s just a nice guy who is super awkward. So I responded to him that I was doing fine and asked him what he was doing for the day. He said something like “playing soccer, but I’ll be free after 6” and then I was like “DAMMIT! Did he take that as an invitation for a date?!” and I felt even worse, so I ended up having him over for pizza and more Game of Thrones that night which ended up being equally as awkward.

After he left my house that night (without even attempting to kiss me goodbye) I assumed that we both felt like this wasn’t happening and I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to pull the plug on this because he’s super nice and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.


Are you serious? Have you been there for our past four dates that all ended awkwardly? Am I missing something here?

He asked me to a Marlin’s game because I had previously told him how much I wanted to go to one. He remembered I said I wanted to go to a game? Dammit why does he have to be so thoughtful! It would be easy to turn down a date with a jerk, but this guy is so damn nice. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SO NICE?!

So I went.

When we got to the Marlin’s game there was a crowd that we were trying to navigate through and I started swerving through it because I was in a rush to get a hot dog. He said something like “I didn’t think you’d be able to get through the crowd like that with your chair. It didn’t look like there’d be enough space.”
It was an innocent comment, but I’m a sassy douche so I said “Oh, so you think I’m fat?” I was just joking around, but apparently I’m “hard to read” and the poor Rocket Man got this shocked look on his face and said “No! No!”

Then I continued by looking at a lady who was walking next to us and I said “Did you hear that? He just called me fat!”

“Honey, you’re not fat!” she told me before she turned to him and said “she’s NOT fat!”

“Thank you!” I said as I sped up and rolled away giggling.

“You can’t do that to me! That’s not fair!”  He told me as he chased after me laughing.

After that things went pretty well. We watched the game while talking about immigration laws and gun control and a bunch of other issues that are not at all relevant to baseball. Occasionally our conversation would be interrupted when the Marlin’s got a homerun and this giant, ridiculously flamboyant statute would start singing and lighting up and I think flamingos would dance and spit water. I have no idea why this statue exists, but I became an overly excited 5 year old child every time it went off.

Look at how glorious this thing is! 

These pictures don't even do it justice. I swear Lisa Frank must have created this masterpiece. 
At one point I asked him “so what’s it like to be a virgin?”

“I AM NOT A VIRGIN!” he tried to convince me.

“Right. You’re not a virgin, but you’re afraid to kiss me.”

“I’m not afraid to kiss you.”

“You’re afraid of me in general then?” I asked.

“No. I’m afraid of rejection.” He told me.

Fuck. Now I’m never going to be able to stop seeing him. I really don’t want to hurt him now.

Later that night, as we were leaving the game, we started talking to one of the Marlin’s employees who was super cool. The guy suddenly asked “Are you guys in a relationship?

At the same time that I blurted out “NO!” I heard Rocket Man say “Yeah. Kind of.”

My reaction.

Well that’s awkward.

I felt like a complete jerk. He just told me he’s afraid of rejection and I went and did that.


After that I felt so terrible that I decided that I was really going to try to like Rocket Man. Not casually “hey, you’re nice, but you’re not for me” like. No. I was going to try to go full on Helga and make him my Arnold (minus the gum shrine in the closet thing) and really like like him.

You know it's real love when you create a shrine for him out of his chewed gum. 
How did I do this? I stopped being such a douche when I texted him. Instead of giving him sass all the time I would say things like “How was your day?”  and “Sometimes I like your face, but not all of the time” (yes, that was an actual text). 

Then he asked me if he could come over and make me dinner for my birthday. I don’t know why, but this made me incredibly uncomfortable, so I made up a ton of excuses (“my oven doesn’t work” “I don’t have food in my house” “I don’t do dishes” “I get cranky when I’m hungry” “I’m picky” “I am a terrible helper”) but he INSISTED on cooking for me. Ugh. Fine.

He brought all the ingredients and a pan to cook in (because I guess he wasn’t having any of my excuses), along with candy for me to eat while he was cooking so that I wouldn’t get cranky. Damn, he’s good.
While he cooked for me I started harassing him about how he didn’t buy his mom a birthday present and that he should print a picture of him with her and frame it to give her for Mother’s Day. He smiled, nodded, and cooked like some sort of patient saint.


Later that night, right before we were about to go to sleep, I said something along the lines of “I have no idea where we stand” and he was completely silent. Awkward.

“No response?” I prodded.

“It’s just hard for me to talk about” he responded.

“Well it’s hard for me to continue dating someone who can’t talk about it.” I told him.

And then he said it.

He told me that he WAS really into me, but ever since the baseball game he felt like I was much more into 
him than he was into me and he felt guilty.

So essentially, ever since the baseball game, when I decided to start being nice to him, he thought that I was super into him.

I wish I could say I responded in some classy manner, but I just busted out laughing. I know. I’m terrible.

I told him how relieved I was because I wasn’t really into him but he was so nice that I didn’t know how to end things with him so I was so glad that he felt that way.

“Wait. You don’t like me at all?” He asked. “I like you, I just felt guilty because I thought you liked me more and I didn’t want to hurt you. You don’t like me?”

And then, like a complete jerk, I responded “I think you’re really nice.”

Awkward moment #27436342. Cool.

And then he left the next morning and we didn’t talk anymore.

Until today.

Today he texted me to say thanks for the Mother’s Day gift idea because his mom loved it. Then he followed up by telling me that he’s planning on cancelling his HBO at the end of May and he wanted to make sure I caught up on all the episodes of Game of Thrones before he cancelled it.


Abbreviated Version:
I went on multiple awkward dates with a super smart, sweet, and modest Rocket Scientist. I wasn’t super into him, but he was so nice that I didn’t know how to stop dating him because I didn’t want to hurt him. So I decided to convince myself to become super into him and I started being nicer to him. When I started being nice he thought that I was a Stage 5 Clinger. When he told me that I laughed and told him I didn’t like him. Things were super awkward, then we didn’t talk for a while, and he randomly texted me today to make sure 
that I still watch his HBO because he’s such a fucking nice guy.

Lessons Learned:
1. There are some really nice guys in the world – just not in Miami.
2. I need to learn how to stop dating people I’m not into instead of continuing to date them because I don’t want to hurt their feelings.
3. Spaceships don’t have shoes.
4. HBOGo passwords are the greatest things on earth.