Sometimes I think my life is funny.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

That Time I Couldn't Stop Myself From Ruining a Date with a Really Great Guy

Last week I went on a date with a smart, good looking man and I had a great time, so clearly there’s very little chance that there will be a second date. My theory is that every time I go on a bad date my date thinks it went really well, so if I think the date went well my date must think the date was terrible. Plus I acted like myself the entire date which clearly didn’t help the situation.  

My great date was with the Upstate NY Lover/Hater who I met at the New Year’s Eve party (update I’m now almost 100% sure he’s not gay). Yes, that’s right. I went on a date with a real human that I did not meet online. I was shocked too.

A few days after the party we started texting and apparently I was being my usual douchey self so he asked me what it would take to have a normal conversation with me. My answer? A cheeseburger. Duh.

"Little girl" is catching on as a popular nickname for me. 

He also may have read my blog about him (my bad) and told me that no one has ever called him a boring kisser before (whoops!) and that he wanted a redo.

C'mon. That's just awkward and adorable all at once.

Eventually he asked me if I wanted to get a cheeseburger “sometime.” I told him “sometime” wasn’t a date because a date has a day, time, and location. Sorry, I’m not going to be your backup plan whenever you get bored this week and have nothing better to do. I’m think I’m good enough that you should make a plan to see me and look forward to it. Plus, hi, I work in a law office where getting out before 6:30 or 7 is almost impossible unless I plan ahead and I’m studying for the NY bar on top of that, so I actually have to plan my dates. I can’t do everything on a whim no matter how badly I wish I could.

Finally he asks me on a real date – he says he’ll pick me up at 7pm on Wednesday and we’ll eat cheeseburgers. Well, he said the magic word (cheeseburger) so I said yes. But then I remembered that when we met he told me he didn’t have a car and he just used the metro and his bike to get around, so I was confused on how he was going to pick me up. I asked how he was going to pick me up on his bike, but he clarified that he’d pick me up in a car.

I've actually always wanted to ride in a
bike basket ET style.
I guess that's a no go for the basket riding.
At this point I obviously needed to google him because: (1) I needed to make sure he wasn’t a sex offender/possible murderer, and (2) I remembered thinking he was good looking when we met but it was dark at the party and I was a little tipsy, so I wanted to see if he was actually good looking. Let’s just say I was more than pleasantly surprised with the search results.

By now I already thought he was smart and attractive, but then he stepped up his game and called me. That’s right – he called me. No guys ever call anymore, they all just text so I’ve basically lost all hope of ever being called, but out of nowhere this guy calls me.


Oh, and he doesn’t stop there. He proceeds to have an intelligent, fun conversation with me (despite all my smartass comments) for an hour. AN HOUR. Hi, I think you’re wonderful. Oh, but he wasn’t done yet! Then he randomly starts playing piano, which was clearly just an attempt to impress me, but it worked because he plays the piano well (so I told him he played like shit, obvi) and I thought it was really cute that he was trying to impress me.


Now that my standards are through the roof, I tell my best friend all about this guy and how I’ve already decided I want to kiss him and she takes it to the next level and tells me to just marry him.

Katie has also seen the sad selection of single men, so
she wisely advises me to marry any man that is
blows the average guy out of the water. 
Great, now you’ve raised my best friend’s expectations too. THANKS A LOT.

Finally date night comes around and when he picks me up he attempts to get out and open my car door for me, but I missed the memo and just got in the car. Oops. “I was going to get the door for you,” he tells me. “Sorry,” I tell him, but then notice my security guard is watching so I say “at least my security guard thinks you’re a gentleman.”

As we’re driving I notice his GPS is speaking in Hebrew and he swears it’s like that all of the time but I’m wondering if it really is or if he’s just trying to impress me. I already think you’re smart, so you don’t have to keep trying to prove yourself to me. But if you really do listen to your GPS in Hebrew all of the time, I'm even more impressed.

Then I ask him “so who did you steal the car from?”

He says, “I’ll tell you, but we need some confidentiality. You need to promise this isn’t going in your blog.”

I promise him that I won’t put it in my blog unless it’s really funny.

“It’s not funny,” he tells me. “It’s my mom’s car.”

Really? You don’t think that’s funny? I’m sorry, but that’s hilarious, so here it is, in my blog. (Plus, again, very little chance of a second date, so really, what's the harm in telling the world?)

“That’s cute.” I respond.

“Really?” He asks.

“Yeah. I feel like I’m in high school. Are you going to take me to the mall for ice cream afterwards?” I ask because I’m a douche that likes to ruin perfectly nice dates with great guys.

When we got to the restaurant I opened my own door again and got out of the car. Oops again. Apparently I’m the reason chivalry is dying.

The restaurant was across the street and there was a step in front of it, so I told him he’d need to hold my hand when we got to the step because cripples and steps don’t exactly get along. But before we even cross the street he starts holding my hand which was sweet, so I had to go and say, “Umm, not now. We’re not at the step yet.” I mentioned how I like to ruin nice dates, right?

Despite my douchiness, this guy continued to be a gentleman and completely charming. Over dinner he told me about his thesis and I could see that he was genuinely excited to talk about it from the look on his face.

“You’re really bored with this, aren’t you?” he asked.

“No, I’m really not.” I told him and I wasn’t lying. Admittedly it took a lot of explanation on his part and a lot of questions on my part for me to start to understand sound engineering and his thesis, but just the way he talked about it made me want to kiss him then and there.


After dinner he gave me his arm while we were walking back to the car which I thought was sweet, but instead of saying so or just keeping my big mouth shut, I made fun of him because, again, I like to ruin things.

As we were driving back to my apartment he tells me “don’t take this the wrong way…”

“No, stop!” I tell him. “Nothing good is going to come out of you finishing your sentence.”

He continues anyway, “I was going to say you’re kind of a pain in the ass.”

Well, he’s got me there.

But then he continues to tell me that he thinks there’s something attractive about that. Oh my God just kiss me now.

As we continue driving he continues to be fun, charismatic, and charming - essentially ruining all future dates I’ll ever have by continuously raising my expectations for all men.

When we get to my apartment he says, “Now you stay there and I’m going to get out and open your door for you.”

“Why? My security guard isn’t watching, so I don’t know who you’re trying to impress,” I tell him because no one ever taught me how to just be gracious and accept when guys are gentlemen.

“So don’t get the door then?” he asks.

“Do whatever you want,” I respond.

“If I can do whatever I want, then I think I’m going to kiss you,” he tells me as I completely melt.

But obviously I can’t just take in the moment and appreciate that the guy I’ve been wanting to kiss all night actually wants to kiss me, so I say, “Today? Here? Umm… I’m waiting.”

Not to be deterred by my smartassness, he leans in and pulls me closer to him and just as our lips are about to touch I apparently decide I haven’t ruined the moment enough so I say “make sure you bring your A game this time because you’re going to get a public review on my blog.”

This still doesn’t stop him and he kisses me and it’s sweet and brilliant and I still haven’t ruined everything, so instead of just enjoying it, I stop and say “Does your mom know what you’re doing in her car?”

“Can you please not talk about my mom while I’m trying to kiss you,” he responds.


So I finally shut up and just kiss him. His kissing was pretty good, but then at one point I think he tried too hard to bring his A game and I had no idea what the fuck he was trying to do with his tongue and I couldn’t help but pull away and giggle.


As I try to cover up my giggles he says “you’re blushing.”

“No I’m not!” I insist. “I’m just pale!”

Then I said something smartassy that I don’t even remember and he asks, “Do you always insult guys who make you blush?”

No. Just the ones I like and want to see again. Clearly I need to ruin this so you never ask me on another date, duh.

Then he opens my car door, and we kiss again. Then he opens the door to my building, and we kiss again.

And then I get in the elevator and kick myself for being a douche. But at least I went to bed smiling. 

The end.

Abbreviated version:
A really good looking, smart man that I met in real life asked me on a date. He was charming and fun, so obviously I couldn’t stop myself from being me and making smartass comments every other second. Despite the fact that I was me, he was still a charming gentleman who raised my expectations for all men and now I am bound to be disappointed with all of the future men I date (as if I wasn’t already disappointed). Awesome.

Lessons Learned:
1.  I’m a pain in the ass.  (Okay, I already knew that).
2. I can’t stop myself from ruining a really nice date with a really great guy.
3. There is at least one charming man in Miami. 

1 comment:

  1. OK, you have to give us some details here: "Let’s just say I was more than pleasantly surprised with the search results." Really? You're going to tell us about his tongue, but not tell us what kind of Google results impress a girl? Soooo unfair.