That Time I Tried to Eat 30 Burgers (& Rate Them) before I Turned 30

If you don't already know, in early April I decided that I needed to make and complete a 30 before 30 list in anticipation of my 29th brthday. Goal #7 on my 30 before 30 list is to try and rate 30 different burgers, with an additional bonus goal of trying to get 30 different people to buy me said burgers (because the only thing more delicious than a burger is a free burger).  So far this has been my favorite, and most delicious goal.

I have created a rating system, which I have detailed below. I will continuously update this page as I try more burgers, until I eventually hit 30 (or maybe more??) burgers.

I welcome burger recommendations, as well as burger invitations.

Burger Rating System:

1. Bun & Topping options: 1 – 10
For me, toppings MAKE the burger. I love options. LOTS of options. I also truly appreciate creativity and novelty.

2. Overall Taste: 1 – 10
Considerations for this category include juiciness of the burger, flavor of the meat, and taste of the whole package (burger, toppings, bun) when put together.

3. Value: 1 – 10
Is it a mediocre burger but a good price? Was it outrageously expensive and a meh taste? Value will consider not only the cost, but if the burger was worth the price tag.

4. Atmosphere: 1 – 10
Is it in a cool location? Was the staff especially awesome? Can I dress burger casual while chowing down here? All of these are factors in rating the atmosphere.

5. Burger Bonuses: 1 – 10
In this category, I’ll take into account anything special – were there homemade pickles on the side? Were the side options out of this world? Did it come with glitter and happiness? Because sometimes a burger bonus will really make or break an experience.

Burger 1: Lawful Waffle

              Where: Blu Wolf Bistro – Park Ave, Rochester, NY

              When: April 22, 2017 around 8:30pm

              With: Katie Kamm

              Bonus? YES! She bought the burger for me!

1. Bun & Topping options: 10

Not only was my burger fantastic because it came on a freaking waffle for a bun, but the options for all the other burgers were pretty fabulous too. Katie got the Clyde burger that came with white cheddar, peanut butter, and jalapeños. While that is certainly not my style because I don’t let spicy things near me, that certainly added points here. My burger had some pretty standard toppings: bacon, egg, cheese, and maple glaze (nice touch!). However, did I mention the waffle bun?  10/10.

2. Overall Taste: 8

Everything together tasted great, but because it was on a waffle, it was incredibly difficult to navigate eating this beast. One circular waffle was cut in half to serve as the bun, and because of the nature of the differing shapes of a circle burger on a half circle waffle bun, some of my bites were pure waffle without burger which brought down the score. However, when I did finally get bites in that had the burger, the waffle, and all the toppings, it was a magical experience. 8/10

3. Value: 8

My burger with fries was $16. And yes, I know, Katie bought it for me so it was technically free, but I still care about the value. I would hate for my bestie to spend money on me if it wasn’t worthwhile. So for the overall taste it was great, but $16 great? I’m not so sure. It’s hard for me to justify spending $16 for a burger, but this was pretty good. If I could choose a price for this burger that would make it a 10/10 it would be $14. However, because this burger was a bit more than I think it was worth taste wise, I am scoring it 8/10 in this category.

4. Atmosphere:     4

Blu Wolf Bistro is located on Park Ave, which is a pretty trendy/hipster area in Rochester. But it’s also diverse and just a generally nice area. The restaurant itself had a classed-up feel, and I was glad I was wearing a cute dress instead of jeans and a basic tee, but others were dressed like that and it was fine. What is really bringing down the score is that this restaurant has a one-step entrance making it inaccessible and in violation of the 27 year old Americans with Disabilities Act. I was in my manual, so I was able to pop up the step with some assistance, but I wasn’t happy about it and it really did bring down my impression of this place, especially since - based on the classed-up atmosphere and prices of the burgers – it’s clear the owners could afford to make the one step entrance into a ramp. In fact, I’m going to write the owners about this and hopefully get them to an install a ramp without any pushback on their end. That way I could go back and bring all my crip friends for burgers! (They did have a lovely accessible bathroom though, so adding a ramp is really all they need!)

5. Burger Bonuses: 8.

The fries were curly, but not curly fries. They were thick and delicious. I was rather impressed with them. I also got a blueberry martini that tasted like a pixie stick mixed with a smurf. Both taste and presentation were wonderful.

Overall score: 38. Honestly, if they install a ramp the score will go up significantly because I was really impressed with the burger, toppings, drinks, and everything else. Unfortunately, because they’re not accessible, I can’t recommend this restaurant.

Burger 2: 6 Buck Chuck

              Where: Burger Tap & Shake - Foggy Bottom, Washington, DC 

              When: April 26, 2017 around 8:15pm

              With: Kings Floyd

              Bonus? YES! She bought the burger for me!

1. Bun & Topping options: 5

While there were technically 9 different “burger” options with a variety of different toppings, 5 of these “burgers” were not actually burgers. They were chicken, turkey, and even salmon. How are you call any of these burgers! In general, I feel that 9 options are not enough, especially when many of them include spicy things as toppings, such as jalapeños and chipotle sauce. But then cut my selection to only 4 burgers because 5 of the burgers aren’t even burgers? Come on! I ended up getting the 6 buck chuck, which is the house burger that comes with lettuce, pickles, onion, tomato, and AP Sauce - the house blend of mayo, ketchup, mustard, BBQ and chipotle. 5/10

2. Overall Taste: 6.5

The first few bites of my burger were pretty good, until I hit something spicy, which is when I reread the menu and realized the AP sauce had chipotle in it. My own fault for not reading closer. After that spicy bite, I attempted to continue, but my mouth couldn’t handle the fire. Without the spice, it was a decent burger, so I give it a 6.5/10.

3. Value: 7

It’s called a 6 buck chuck for gosh sake! That’s a value! Even with the bit of spice, it was still a good price. It was cheap enough that I didn’t feel guilty about not finishing it after hitting the spicy spot. But what made it better was the milkshake we got the BTS shake (with butterfinger, twix, and snickers) mixed with a cookie and cream milkshake. It was mind blowing. Altogether, the burger and milkshake put Kings back $12 and she called me a cheap date, so I’d say there’s serious value in that. 7/10.

4. Atmosphere: 7

Burger Tap & Shake is in Foggy Bottom, which is a young area of D.C. filled with a whole bunch of college aged hipsters that like to talk about chai and make their own peanut butter at Whole Foods (not judging, I stuck my finger in one of those machines and it was delicious. Also, I have no shame about my unsanitary approach). The restaurant had a super heavy door to get in, but besides that, accessibility was good. Nothing blew me away about the atmosphere, but nothing turned me off either. 7/10.

5. Burger Bonuses: 8.

I can’t tell you enough about this milkshake. Seriously. It had butterfinger, twix, snickers, AND cookies and cream in it. If you’re in D.C., go get this milkshake. If you’re not, fly to D.C. right now and get this milkshake. Also, the pickles on the burger were abnormally delicious. I mean, I love all pickles, but these tasted especially spectacular. 8/10.  

Overall score: 33.5. The milkshake really did make the experience. Nothing against the burger (I mean, besides the spicy part, I have lots of feelings against that), but I’m still thinking about that milkshake.  

Burger 3: Southern Comfort Burger

 Where: Red Robin – Greece, NY   

              When: May 2, 2017

              With: Boring Guy who Didn’t Respect Halloween

              Bonus? YES!  

1. Bun & Topping options: 7

Red Robin does have quite a selection of burgers and toppings, including the Banzai Burger that comes with a pineapple on it (which is what I usually order). However, I’m not so impressed with the bun selection, since they’re all just basically real types of buns. No donuts, no waffles, no fun weird stuff. Just buns. Instead of my usual Banzai Burger, upon the recommendation of my waiter, I switched it up and went with the Southern Comfort Burger which consisted of a ½ lb. Black Angus patty glazed with brown sugar and topped with candied bacon, honey BBQ sauce, sharp Cheddar, caramelized onions and mayo on a toasted ciabatta bun.  7/10

2. Overall Taste: 7

This burger was tasty, without a doubt. The candied bacon really made me happy and the brown sugar glaze was lovely. I’d have it again for sure, but it didn’t impress me so much that I would talk about it for days (and believe me, I have talked about some burgers for days, and one burger for over a year). 7/10

3. Value: 6

The Southern Comfort Burger comes with a price tag of $13.99 with either endless fries or salad. It was a good burger, but I felt like it was a $10 burger, not a $14 burger. I mean, technically, for me it was a free burger, but you know what I mean. I guess what I’m saying is, I’d eat that burger again as long as I wasn’t paying for it. 6/10.

4. Atmosphere:     4

Let’s all be honest here: there is nothing special about the atmosphere of a Red Robin, especially a Red Robin in a mall. The one thing that Red Robin has that *might* increase the atmosphere for some people (10 and under) is the presence of balloons. However, I’m over the age of 10 and I’m allergic to balloons, so they did not help with the score. I am giving this a 4 instead of a 0 simply because my waiter was funny and kept me entertained during what was otherwise a boring date. 4/10

5. Burger Bonuses:  4

The only bonus during this experience was when I wanted fries, but told the waiter I had a New Year’s Resolution to eat more salad, the waiter told me to get the salad as a side and then brought me free fries. I liked that move a lot. Thus the score increased from 0 to 4. 4/10.

Overall score: 34. I would eat this burger again if someone else was buying, especially if I could get the same fun waiter. Otherwise, there was nothing special to make me eager to return. The leftovers were good though, to be fair.

Burger 4: Single Cheeseburger

 Where: All About Burger – Southwest, Washington, D.C.

              When: May 14, 2017

              With: Wilfredo

              Bonus? YES! 

1. Bun & Topping options: 5

I didn’t see any bun options at all – just a standard bun. Topping options were also pretty standard with a few exceptions, like A-1 and mango mayonnaise. I got the mango mayo on the side and wasn’t impressed, but I was happy to have the A-1. Overall, I chose a single burger with cheddar cheese, mayo, lettuce, tomato, pickle, and mango mayo and A-1 on the side. 5/10

2.  Overall Taste: 5

The burger itself was meh. The bun was also meh. The toppings helped to bring up the score. I would eat this burger again and likely pay for it, but I wouldn’t go around telling the world about it. 5/10

3. Value: 7

The single cheeseburger was a little less than $8 which was reasonable considering the taste and speed. What I found more valuable was my chocolate banana milkshake (around $5) and the fact that they have a half&half order of fries and onion rings for around $7. When I can get a delicious milkshake AND not have to choose between fries and onion rings I am a happy camper. 7/10

4. Atmosphere: 5

The yellow and red décor burned my eyes a bit, but I decided to sit outside which saved my eyes a bit and let me focus my attention on my burger. The people were really nice and I appreciated the outdoor seating. I was frustrated that the benches were attached to the ground, making the tables a bit inaccessible to wheelchair users. Overall, I appreciated the chill atmosphere but wanted more accessibility. 5/10

5. Burger Bonuses:  7

The milkshake selection and the option for fries and onion rings in one order really brought up the score for me at All About Burger. I would suggest they consider renaming the place Great Milkshakes and Side Orders and We Have Burgers Too. 7/10

Overall score: 29. The next time I’m in D.C. with ADAPT I will likely go back to this place because cheap and fast food options are hard to come by later in the evening near our hotel. I will definitely get another burger, but I’ll be more excited about the milkshake.

Burger 5: Wall Street

 Where: Broadway Burger Bar – Atlantic City, NJ.

              When: May 28, 2017

              With: Katie

              Bonus? No 

1. Bun & Topping options: 6

There was only one bun option, unless I wanted a gluten free bun, which I 100% did not want. There were 12 burger options to choose from, but one was a black bean burger and one was a turkey burger, so those weren’t really burgers. Of the 10 options, two were basic burgers with lettuce and tomato, so really there were only 8 options. Of the options, 3 looked good. I settled on the Wall Street which was 8 oz of freshly ground angus beef, swiss cheese, sautéed crimini, button & shitake mushrooms, and truffle mayonnaise. 6/10.  

2. Overall Taste: 8

This burger was really good. Better than I expected actually. At the waiter’s suggestion, I added a bit of A1 to the burger and it was really fantastic. The burger as juicy, the mushrooms and swiss were lovely, and the truffle mayonnaise was outrageously good. It was so delicious I *almost* ate the whole thing. Unfortunately, I ran out of room in my tummy before I could get the whole burger in me. 8/10.

3. Value: 8

This burger was $16 and came with fries. The fries were pretty standard, but the burger was so good that I’m still thinking about it. I would pay about $14 for this burger on a normal day, but I could definitely see myself spending the extra $2 on this baby in the future if I was craving it. However, I doubt I’ll be in Atlantic City again, so this is a but unlikely. 8/10.

4. Atmosphere:  6

The Broadway Burger Bar was in the Tropicana. It was easy to get to, accessible, and had classy décor. It was dimly lit and generally pretty quiet. There was nothing wrong with the place, but also nothing special. 6/10.

5. Burger Bonuses:  4

While the burger was awesome, there was nothing really beyond the burger that would add bonus points. I am giving this a 4/10 because the truffle mayo was so good that not only did I slather it all over my burger, but Katie and I also used it to dip our French fries. 4/10.

Overall score: 32. I’d definitely recommend this burger to others, but don’t expect anything beyond the burger to be amazing. The other burger options are okay, as was the atmosphere, and the price. If all you care about is a great burger, then check this one out when you’re in Atlantic City. 

Burger 6: Burger & Beer for $9.99

 Where: Temple Bar & Grille

              When: May 31, 2017

              With: Katie & her birthday tour

              Bonus? No 

1. Bun & Topping options: 2

When we arrived at the bar, it was the second bar on our Rochester Pedal Tour (where 13 people pedal a bar on wheels around the city). I had eaten one bag of Doritos the entire day (the small personal size, not a big bag – this makes a difference). Basically I was starving and saw a sign that said the Wednesday deal was “Burger and Beer for $9.99.” I asked “Can I get cider instead of beer?” Our bartender, a man we called Katy Perry (and I’m still not sure why) said yes. I then asked “Can I have lettuce, tomato, and mayo on the burger?” and Katy Perry said yes. At no point did Katy Perry offer me any other options, thus the score here is a 2/10. It would have been lower because no choices were actually offered to me, but I did get the lettuce, tomato, and may asked for. I also got onions which were NOT asked for. 2/10.

2. Overall Taste: 0

This burger was terrible. First, there was no cheese. Who serves a burger without cheese? I assume every time I order a burger cheese should come automatically. If this is not the case, Katy Perry should have at least asked me if I wanted cheese. This burger tasted so bad that I spent 10 minutes getting all the drunk people in our party to bite the burger and confirm that it was indeed terrible. Thankfully (?) Katie’s boyfriend volunteered to finish the dry, cheeseless burger for me. 0/10

3. Value: 4

As the title indicates, I got this burger and a beer for $9.99. Now it was a really bad burger, but it did come with a pint for only $9.99 so I’ve got to give them a little credit here. Also, my friends got a free pizza when they ordered their drinks, and I ate some of the pizza, so I am factoring this into the value score. 4/10

4. Atmosphere:   4

Temple Bar & Grille is downtown on East Ave. The inside looks like a basic bar. Not a fancy bar, not even a nice bar. Just a bar. Nothing makes me dislike, but nothing impressed me either. 4/10.

5. Burger Bonuses:  3

As I previously mentioned, my friends got a free pizza with their drinks. This doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the burger, but I did benefit from this by eating the pizza after I found out my burger sucked, so I am giving 1 bonus point for that. Additionally, the bartender allowed a group of drunk people to call him Katy Perry and didn't punch any of us, so that deserves at least 2 bonus points. 3/10.

Overall score: 13. If you have no money and no taste buds and it’s a Wednesday night, then this burger is for you. Otherwise, you should probably go somewhere – anywhere – else.

Burger 7: Plantain Burger

              Where: Soly’s Kitchen

              When: June 2, 2017

              With: Wilfredo

              Bonus? Yes 

Bun & Topping options: 10

Listen, I need to be honest, I don’t even know what toppings were available. All I know is that my burger was served between two patties of fried plantains. That’s right! My bun was made of freaking plantains! And to make it even better, there was mayoketchup (pronounced may-o-keh-chu) all over this burger! For those of you who are unrefined when it comes to Puerto Rican delicacies, mayoketchup is basically just a mixture of mayonnaise and ketchup and occasionally some garlic. Basically, it takes my two favorite condiments and puts them together to pair with plantains. I cannot imagine a better burger bun or topping than fried plantain patties and mayoketchup. 10/10

Overall Taste: 8

The burger itself was just fine, but putting it between fried plantain patties and slathering it with mayoketchup made this burger fantastic. I can’t give it a 10 here because the burger patty wasn’t out of this world and figuring out how to approach this burger was intimidating because I couldn’t figure out where/how to bite it. Nonetheless, it was still AMAZING. 8/10.

Value: 10

Okay, I actually have no idea how much this burger costs because my lunch date was a classy guy who didn’t share those details with me. However, regardless of the price, it was 100% worth it. Additionally, based on the general atmosphere of the place, I can’t imagine it was ridiculously expensive. If this burger was less than $15 (and I’d bet all the hair on my head that it was) then it is definitely a 10/10 value.  

Atmosphere:     4

Soly’s Kitchen is a cute little place on Portland Ave. I’m pretty sure the owner cooked my burger and served me. Both the people working there were outrageously friendly and made me feel very welcome. The only downside is that it’s inaccessible. With 3 steps to get in, I had to be carried, which I’m generally opposed to if I am with just anyone. Luckily, I was comfortable being carried by the person I was with, but in any other circumstance, I would probably miss out on this great food because of the stairs. Because of this, I must significantly lower the score. 4/10.

Burger Bonuses:  9

My burger came with plantain chips on the side. That’s right. How can you make a meal with plantains even better? Add more plantains! In addition to being in my plantain glory, Soly’s Kitchen also had fresh mango juice and passion fruit juice. The best is when you take a sip of both and swish them together in your mouth! Between all the plantains and tropical fruit juices, I could not have been a happier girl. Wait, no, I could. If I had maduros (fried sweet plantains) to go with my plantain bun and my plantain chips, it would have blown my mind. For that reason alone, I am giving this a 9/10.

Overall score: 41. If you live for plantains and tropical fruit, and you also don’t need accessibility, you’ll love this place. However, because the restaurant is inaccessible, I can’t recommend it. The moment they find a way to be accessible to all, I will promote the hell of this place because that burger was life changing. 

Burger 8: Burger Special

  

Where: BungaBurger Bar

              When: June 5, 2017

              With: Wilfredo

              Bonus? Yes 

Bun & Topping options: 9

Bunga Burger Bar has six different bun options, including a pretzel bun and a rosemary olive oil bun. They also have 12 different burgers and at least one special burger every day. The 12 burger options include delicious winners such as the Cuban (with pulled pork, bacon, provolone, and pickles) and the Bacon Mac n Cheese burger. Previously, a special was the Mozzarella Stick Burger where the burger came piled with mozzarella sticks, tomato sauce, and mozzarella. On this trip I chose the special with bacon, mozzarella, egg, and tomato (it also came with avocado, but I took that ick off). Given all the bun options and topping combos, this place gets a 9/10 in this category.

Overall Taste: 9

My burger was juicy, the egg was cooked just right, and the mozzarella really added a special touch. It looked and tasted so good that I had already taken several bites before I realized I didn’t take a picture for this blog! To illustrate just how good this burger was, let me tell you about the next day. I took my leftovers to work for lunch the next day. My sister had pasta and I had this burger. I offered her a bite of my burger and she COULDN’T STOP EATING IT. The burger was so good that even the next day it was delicious!! 9/10

Value: 10

I think this burger was $11.50 and it was definitely worth it. I would have paid that for the burger alone, but it also came with sweet potato fries with honey drizzled on them. While I didn’t pay for this burger, it was good enough for me to want to go back and be willing to pay the $11.50 for it. Honestly, I would probably be willing to pay a little more for this burger, so it’s definitely a good value. 10/10

Atmosphere: 6

Bunga Burger Bar is in College Town which is an area right by the University of Rochester. It’s a nice area and the restaurant has accessible parking and is accessible inside as well. Nothing about the inside wows me, but it’s certainly not a let down either. 6/10

Burger Bonuses:  6

I really like the sweet potato fries that they serve and the drizzle of honey really does make them even more delicious. 6/10

Overall score: 40. If you’re looking for a delicious burger and lots of topping options, Bunga Burger Bar will not disappoint. The sweet potato fries definitely seal the deal and keep me coming back!

30 things I am going to do before I'm 30

      1. Take 30 pictures with 30 giant animals

For no other reason than this sounds both challenging and fun. Statues, mascots, and real animals all count in my mind.

This would count. 

2. Give 30 $30 tips on bills that are less than $30

I come from a family where almost every person worked in the service industry. I remember eating breakfast at the restaurant my mom waitressed at before school every day. I know that people who serve others are often undervalued, and I’d like to make 30 people feel a bit more valued over the next year.

3. Find out if I have abs

Ask anyone who knows me well and they will tell you that I don’t believe in working out. I just don’t see the appeal. But as a girl who sits in a wheelchair all day long, I think it’d be nice to see abs instead of my beautiful food baby when I hit 30. Let’s see if I can make that happen!

*see first picture for example of my food baby as it is prominently displayed. 

4. Dress as a cat all day. Go in public.

We all know I am a cat. It’s time I be proud of my identity and show the world who I really am. Meow.

Like this. ALL. DAY. LONG. 

5. Go on vacation alone.

I travel alone all of the time for work. And I vacation with others pretty regularly. But the idea of vacationing alone makes me nervous. I like company. I also hate the idea of people stereotyping me as a poor “wheelchair girl” who couldn’t find a friend to vacation with her. But screw that. I have friends that I know would vacation with me. It’s time I be comfortable with me, and be comfortable with me in front of other people and stop caring if they’re judging me.

6. Karaoke Jagged Edge/Rev Run’s “Let’s Get Married”

Because, well, this has always been a dream of mine and it’s time to fulfill it.

7. Try 30 different burgers and rate them.

      *Bonus if I can get 30 different people to buy me the burgers.
My friend from high school suggested this because, if you’ve read this blog, you know I live for burgers. I’ve sat through some rough dates because I was committed to the burger I was eating. I think eating and rating 30 different burgers is a fantastic goal to meet before my 30^th birthday. I am going to give myself bonus points if I can get 30 other people to buy me the burgers because the only thing that tastes better than a burger is a free burger!
      
8. Unplug for an entire day.

My life revolves around my email. I’m trying to stop that. When I’m not emailing, I’m taking pictures of my cats and posting them. While that might not be the worst way to spend my time, I’m hoping spending a day unplugged will help me to discover even better ways to spend my time.

9. Give 30 things away.

As the youngest of three kids, I always had hand me downs. As a result, now that I am an adult with a paycheck, I buy way too much just because I can. I own too much and I just don’t need it all. It’s time to share my cool stuff with others.

10. Spend a whole weekend with my mom

My family is not your typical sitcom family. Far from it. My mother and I haven’t always had the most loving relationship, but that’s no reason we can’t try to get to a good place now. I am going to spend a whole weekend with her and I am hoping we will both survive. First I need to convince her to do this with me…

Usually my sister is there if I'm hanging out with my mom. She serves as a great buffer. 

11. Bake something without a mix

We all know cooking is a struggle for me. As is baking. Once I made burnt raw cookies. I am determined that this is the year I am going to bake something without a recipe and have it come out at least slightly edible. I am hoping it will be pie.

12. Pay off 3 big debts

It would be nice to go into 30 with a little less debt. While I know I won’t be able to pay off my law school loans in a year, I am hoping I can tackle some smaller big debts, like my credit card or car. I think future Stephanie will appreciate this.

13. Do a headstand

I’ve just started hatha yoga. I thought yoga would help me find zen, but it’s also helping me find different ways to tangle my body. This lady on youtube makes headstands look like a typical afternoon activity (I’m looking at you, Leslie Fightmaster) and I’m over here falling all over my living room while my cats stare at me. I am going to do a headstand before I turn 30. Hopefully I’ll find my zen too.

Damn you Leslie. 

14. Keep a plant alive for 6 months

Every plant I’ve ever had has died a tragic death under my watch. If I’m ever going to have kids, I feel like I should start with keeping a plant alive for at least 6 months first, just to show I can keep something alive. I mean, I keep cats alive, but they’re pretty low maintenance. I imagine kids and plants are more needy than cats, so I’ll start with a plant. I am open to suggestions on hardy plants that can survive my travel schedule and general forgetful nature.

15. Build something

I don’t think I’m going to suddenly become a master craftsman and build a couch, but I’d like to build something with my hands. I don’t know what yet, but something.

16. Go to a bar alone

Just the thought of this is freaking me out. As I mentioned above, I have a fear of people judging me as a poor crip who has no friends. I need to stop caring so much about what people may be thinking. By the time I hit 30, I need to stop giving a fuck about what other people think of me. This is going to help me get there…I hope.

17. Take a class on something creative, like cooking or knitting

I used to have a creative side. I think it left in law school. I’m going to get it back by taking a class in something creative. Who knows, maybe I’ll make new friends in that class!

18. Learn a new skill and show it off on my 30^th Birthday!

This was a suggestion from my niece’s mom and I really liked it. Maybe my new skill will be from a class. Maybe I’ll learn something on youtube. I don’t know. But I do know I am going to learn to do something awesome and show it off on my 30^th birthday.

19. Complete 30 acts of kindness to show my appreciation for others

This was another suggestion from a friend (thanks Sarah!) and I love it. While I try to show others my appreciation, I think I can be more intentional about both being kind and showing my appreciation to others. I’m excited to get started on this one and hopefully brighten other people’s days!

20. Throw a dinner party

When I googled “30 under 30 goals” this came up on a ton of lists. Apparently people are really into dinner parties and I’m not sure why. At first I wasn’t going to add this to my list because (1) I can’t cook, and (2) I have a genuine fear that no one would show up if I invited them to a dinner party. I can’t keep avoiding things because I’m afraid of the outcome though, so I will be throwing a dinner party within the next year. Pizza rolls will likely be on the menu. Let me know if you want to come!

This is what a dinner party at my place looks like. 

21. Go to a country that I’ve never been to

I’ve been able to travel to many places throughout my life, and for that I count myself as very lucky. But why stop now? I’d like to fit in at least one more country I’ve never been to before. And then after I hit 30, I’d like to fit in even more!

22. Get a facial

This seems like a thing adults do. My best friend had a facial once and she said it was terrible and she felt like she couldn’t breathe. Others have told me they’re magical. I tend to believe my best friend over others, but I’m going to try it myself, if for no other reason than to confirm that my bestie is right.

23. Learn how to change a tire

I feel like this is the kind of basic skill I should have. I am going to learn. Hopefully I’ll never need this knowledge.

24. Buy a crop top. Wear it in public.

As previously discussed, I have a food baby and I’m more than slightly self conscious about it. I want to buy a crop top and have the confidence to wear it in public.

25. Cook a meal without a recipe and buy all the ingredients myself.

This goal was suggested by my sister and she has full confidence that I can do this one. I have been getting Home Chef for a few weeks and have been pretty successful with the meals they send, but my sister wants me to take it a step further by buying my own ingredients, measuring the ingredients myself, and not even using a recipe! Let’s see how this goes. I might just invite my sister for dinner when I attempt this one.

26. Learn to meditate without falling asleep.

I have tried meditating a few times since 2014, but I always end up just falling asleep. I’d like to be able to meditate without falling asleep, and perhaps this will help me on my quest to get my zen on.

27. Help someone else check off something on their list.

Whether it’s a 30 before 30 or 40 before 40 or just a general bucket list, I want to help someone else check something off their own list.

28. Make a list of 1095 things I am grateful for (or 3 things per day for 365 days!).

My life is full of so many wonderful cats, humans, and experiences. I have so much to be grateful for and I want to take the time to truly reflect on all that I appreciate in my life.

29. Go on an incredible 30^th birthday best friend vacation.

My best friend and I go on an annual Best Friend Vacation, and it generally falls around our birthdays (mine in April, hers in May). For our 30^th birthdays, we need to go ALL OUT. We’ve previously done a cruise from Miami to Mexico, an 8 day road trip in Ireland, and an all-inclusive resort in Punta Cana, so those will be hard to beat, but I think we can do it!

Katie and me in Punta Cana!

30. Throw a fabulous 30^th birthday party!

Again with my fear that no one will show up to a party I throw. Let’s hope by 30 I get over this fear. Please keep April 21 and April 28 of 2018 open and plan on attending.

To keep myself on track, I plan to chronicle my quest to complete this list in this very blog. Please feel free to help me along my way or just pester me to keep me on track! Also feel free to attend my parties and buy me cheeseburgers J

That Time I Went to an Old People Club & Remembered Why I Hate People

Hello there! It's been a while, and while I thought I might never revive this blog, due to the popular demand (and by "popular" I mean 3 people), I thought I'd try to bring this back to life. Let’s get a few things out of the way up front: this blog is not about a date and does not include any cheeseburgers. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but moreover, I’m sorry I didn’t get a cheeseburger.

Last week my amazing best friend, Katie, was stressed from work, and frankly, so was I. Then I went to D.C. for a protest in the middle of the week to fight against the American Health Care Act, and on that Friday the bill was pulled. So between the stress and the urgent need to celebrate a big win, my bestie and I decided we needed to go dancing.

Now, as a woman in a wheelchair, I need some space on the dance floor to bring out my good moves. For this reason, we automatically nixed all the clubs that allowed 18 year olds, because there’s nothing sexy about being smashed against other humans on a packed dance floor and feeling their sweat drip on you. Instead, we decided to go to what Katie described to me as “the old people club” called Taylors.

I figured we’d have plenty of space on the dance floor and no one would bother us because I assumed all the old guys there would be going for the old ladies. Awesome.

So I throw on my sparkle tights (yep, I have sparkle tights. More than one pair, actually!), and hit the club with my supermodel looking best friend. And I gotta be honest, it takes a lot of self confidence to dance next to Katie because she’s tall, gorgeous, and a great dancer. I’m short, slightly pudgy, and most of my dance moves come from the 80s and my Zumba class. So I break out my self-confidence and dance next to her. 

I wasn't kidding.
Here we are just casually chilling with parrots
and she looks like a supermodel
while I look like... well, not a supermodel. 

However, I had to take pause when we entered the club because I thought we had gone to a dance club, but it looked like we were in a strip club or an aerobics studio from all the mirrors on the walls. Even in my Zumba class I refuse to watch myself dance in the mirror because I’m painfully awkward and offbeat, so why the fuck would I want to watch myself pretend to be sexy while dancing to Pitbull at a club? I don’t.

This is the actual club. However, we did not get light up hula hoops.
That may have changed my opinions about the mirrors. 

But here’s where it gets weird: NO ONE ELSE THOUGHT THE MIRRORS WERE AWKWARD.

No, these girls were literally dancing with themselves in the mirror. A group of five women walked in the club together and instead of dancing in a circle with each other, THEY LINED UP AND DANCED WITH THEMSELVES IN THE MIRROR. Is this normal? Am I the only one that thinks it’s weird to dance with myself?

Whatever. I kept dancing because I wasn’t about to let these weirdos ruin my night of fun. I’m dancing and no one is going to stop me.

But then, people actually started stopping me.

One guy stopped me to tell me he likes my tights. Great bro, but I’m trying to dance here. Admire the sparkle tights from afar, k?

Then the next guy stops me to tell me he loves my red lips. Super, want to borrow my lip crayon? No? Then don’t interrupt me while I’m breaking out my sweet moves.

The next guy asks my friend if he can dance with me. She tells him to ask me. I tell him to fuck off because how dare he ask someone else if he can dance with me instead of asking me. He ignores my “fuck no” and grabs my hands and starts spinning me around like he knows what he’s doing, but every time I twirl, this winner forgets that he needs to move his damn feet and I roll over his toes. 

After 20 seconds, I cut the dance off. He leans over and gets really close to my ear just to yell “You’re a great dancer!!!” Thanks for yelling in my ear, good sir. “You could improve” I respond as I rolled to the dance floor in the next room to get away from him.

People, I’m just here to dance. I’m not here to dance with you, I’m here to dance. I’m certainly not here to TALK to you. I’m not giving these guys any “come hither” looks, in fact, I’m not looking at anyone! My eye level is basically at everyone’s crotch, so half the time I’m closing my eyes and dancing in my own world. If I look at anyone, it’s by accident when I get super excited about a good song and start swinging my head violently.

I cannot be more clear: I came here to dance! I am not here to get a man. If I wanted that, I would go on Tinder where I can quickly swipe left until I see a guy with a cat in his picture, and then finally swipe right.

100% right swipe. 

Despite the fact that I make no invitation for anyone to speak to me, a charming man comes up to me, puts his hands on my legs, and leans over to say “I wonder what you would look like if you weren’t hobbled.”

Now mind you, I've started yoga to get my Zen on, so instead of my natural response of flipping the fuck out, I simply said “That’s incredibly rude, get away from me." 

“It’s not rude! I just meant I thought this was a temporary thing and I want to know what you look like when you’re not like that” the charmer replied.

How many people with temporary disabilities have sparkling, hot pink wheelchairs? Seriously, I want to know. Also, do people really look much different when they’re standing v. sitting? Want to know what I would look like if I wasn’t in a chair? A short, semi pudgy girl with awkward dance moves and sparkle tights.

“Bye” I told him as I went back to dancing to what sounded like all the songs from the NOW! CD from 2000.

I thought that guy would be the winner of Douche of the Night, but no. I clearly underestimated the crowd.

Next a guy with a gold grill approaches me. My first thought was “Are grillz still a thing?” In his world they are. He asked to dance. I said no. He asks Katie to dance, shockingly, she says no. We continue to dance.

Does anyone in the world actually think this is attractive? 

Later, as Katie is off calling us a taxi, Grill Guy comes up to me and tries to hug me. I push him away. His friend comes up to me and says “He’s a good guy, I know him. And I want you to know that even though you’re in a wheelchair, I still think you’re human.”

Wait, even though I use a wheelchair, you still THINK I’m a human?

I didn't realize my status as a human was in jeopardy because I use a wheelchair. 

I have absolutely no patience for this shit, so I say “That’s so fucking rude, get away from me.”

Friend of Grillz pulls me back and says “I’M A GOOD GUY!” and then tries to enlist the people around him to vouch for his good-guyness. The people around him say “I don’t know you.”

So Friend of Grillz decides to grab me and pull me really close as I try to pry him off of me so he can shout in my war “ALL I’M SAYING IS IF YOU COULD GET OUT OF THAT CHAIR I WOULD FUCK YOU SO HARD!” Thankfully, that is when a group of women I don’t know pull this guy off of me and push him away.

Thankfully, that’s also the same time Katie finished calling us a cab and we left.

Abbreviated version:

Went to a club where I thought I would be able to dance uninterrupted. Ended up at a stripclub/aerobics studio where the DJ played his hottest NOW! CD’s from the early 2000’s most of the night. Even though I gave no indication to ANYONE that I wanted to be interrupted to dance or talk with another human, men kept interrupting me to tell me things that I didn’t want or need to hear, including confirming that even though I’m in a chair I’m still a human (thanks for that affirmation) and that IF I could get out of my chair, a completely creepy stranger would fuck me so hard. Awesome.

Lessons Learned:

1. No matter how much yoga I do, I still hate humans.

2. I don’t think it’s my fault I hate humans. Its humans' fault. 

3. Awkward dance moves and refusal to make eye contact will not prevent men from approaching me at stripclubs/aerobic studios. 

That Time I Dated a Douchebag Doctor that Looked Like the Kid From "Up"

I know, I know. I’ve been neglecting this blog for months and I owe you stories. I’ve been hearing you all complain to me that I haven’t posted any new blogs in a while, so I would like to officially apologize for attempting to have a successful love life. Where the hell is the fun in that?

Since my last post, some things have changed. Most importantly, I left Miami and moved to Rochester where I bought a house and am working at my dream job. So these are no longer tales from a single girl in Miami – now they’re tales from a single girl in Rochester. I hope you can all cope with that. I also have somehow acquired four cats. Stop judging. Most recently I have begun meowing. I’m serious. Beyond that, everything is basically the same. I promise, now that I’m back I will give you all the stories you have missed out on over the past few months. In fact, I think we’ll start right where I left off.

So after I stopped dating the Rocket Man, this guy messages me and starts talking about physician assisted suicide and since he’s a doctor he wants to know more about my position. What?! A chance to school a doctor about the disproportionate impact of physician assisted suicide on people with disabilities?! SIGN ME UP.

We agreed to meet at a coffee shop that was a total of 3 minutes from my house because I’m not going out of my way for a date. When I arrive I see what I can only describe as an adult version of the kid from Up.

 

My date.

Yep. Now picture that in a white doctor’s coat and you’ve basically got this guy. Wait no. Don’t picture it, I’ve got it covered for you.

Dead ringer.

After about 5 minutes of talking to this guy I learned that he basically knows everything/ is an expert at everything. I quickly labeled this guy “Dr. Know It All.” Dr. Know It All was so into talking to himself, and the only way for me to get a word in was to talk about him - except I wasn’t really that interested in him, so instead I asked him questions about the brain since he was a neurology resident. Every question I asked he’d say things like “Well, it’s hard for me to explain because I studied this at Harvard and you wouldn’t understand the intricacies…”

“So break it down for me then.” I replied.

“Well, this is really complicated stuff. We’re talking about the human brain here…” Dr. Know It All went on.

Wait. You mean the human brain isn’t as simple as making toast? I had no idea.

After he told me how brilliant he was over and over again and how it would just be impossible for me to understand any answer he gave me about how brains work, I finally said “Listen, I get it. You have a medical degree and I don’t. I’m not a brain surgeon, I know. But instead of being a condescending douchebag maybe you could just try to explain things to me.”

For the first time since the date started Dr. Know It All stopped talking. Thank you Lord.

Then he apologized and toned down the douchebag and asked if he could take me to get a cheeseburger to make up for his douchiness. He said the magic word (cheeseburger), so I said yes.

The rest of the date was just fine, so when he asked me on a second date – and promised me another cheeseburger – I said yes.

He told me he had to work some morning shift the next day, so I tried to make our date quick but he just kept talking. He told me all about his incredible apartment in South Beach that overlooks the water and blah blah blah. Then he made a condescending remark about nurses and how they do too little work and make too much money.

That’s when my sass-o-meter went to the dangerous red zone and I verbally lashed him. I ripped him apart, noting that my best friend is a nurse and she is one of the most hardworking humans on this earth. Then this mofo tries to interrupt me and says “You don’t understand. I’m a doctor!” and, I shit you not, he began banging his fist on the table and yelling “I SAVE LIVES!”

Whoa bro. Calm your God Complex down. I am in the middle of ripping you a new asshole. Don’t you dare interrupt me.

After I take him down a few notches, remind him he’s not God, and that nurses keep patients alive too, he apologized.

The next day he texts me to ask me on another date. You for real? Were you there when I tore you apart yesterday?

He offers me Chinese at his place. He swears he knows where the good Chinese food is in Miami and because I hadn’t found good Chinese in the 10 months I was there, I was tempted. Then he started talking up his apartment again and how I would love the view.

It was a Saturday and I had nothing to do, so I figured why not? This guy wants to let me rip him apart while he feeds me? I’m down.

I arrive at his “amazing” apartment that looks like its glory days were in 1972 and the Chinese tastes absolutely terrible, so I drink more than enough wine for the both of us to get the taste of what I’m sure is tomato paste and flour in my Sesame Chicken. We were watching Scrubs while we ate and I swear every time this guy laughed it sounded like a baby pig squealing. It kind of looked like it too. I was sitting next to a giant, chubby twelve year old who squealed and clapped his hands whenever something remotely funny happened. So I drank some more.

He could tell I was not impressed, so he invited me onto his balcony to enjoy the view. While we’re out there he proceeds to tell me that his mom bought him his BMW and he’s hoping for a newer one soon. She also pays for his disco era apartment. Oh, so you’re a doctor and your mom pays your bills? Cool.

Right when I’m about to throw myself off his balcony he tells me he wants to go inside. Fine.

I tell him I’m tired but since I downed more wine than a high school girl looking to lose her virginity on prom night, I really can’t drive. He insists I sleep in his bed.

Okay. Good idea. Let me just go to sleep so I can stop listening to your voice.

I go to his room and get in bed. Then, out of nowhere, I hear him enter the room and say “I hope you don’t mind, I sleep in my underwear.”

WHOA! WHAT!? YOU’RE SLEEPING IN HERE TOO!? AND YOU’RE UNDRESSING!?

Then this guy whips off his pants and all I see is tightie whities. MAKE IT STOP.

The kid from Up is approaching me in tightie whities and I panic. What do I do?!

So I did the only logical thing I could think of. I pretended I was a narcoleptic and went from awake to dead asleep in .2 seconds. He kept talking to me and trying to wake me up, but dammit, I was in drama club in high school and I learned to see the performance through, so I pretended to be out cold. It may not have been the best acting skills, but I was committed to my role.

The next morning I woke up disgustingly early in an attempt to get out of there quickly when Dr. Know it All wakes up and tries to make a move on me.

Excuse me? Hands off creepazoid.

I tell him it’s not happening and he asks why. I give him a number of reasons, including (1) I said no, (2) I’m allergic to latex, (3) I don’t have sex with guys I barely know, etc.

He apparently just forgets the fact that I said no and pulls out a GALLON SIZED ZIP LOCK BAG FULL OF CONDOMS.

What the hell?!!?!

He begins frantically searching through them for a latex free condom.

“Uhhh, did you miss that I said no?” I ask.

“Look, I can’t find a latex free one, but we don’t need one. You’re on birth control right?” he asks, clearly ignoring the whole “no” thing.

“I’m not sure what the hell you’re thinking,  but that’s not an option.” I tell him.

“You can trust me,” says the guys I’ve known for three days…

UMM. NO.

“Okay, I got tested a few months ago, let me just pull up the hospital database on my laptop and you can look at my medical file” he says like this is a normal thing.

“What the fuck? No. First, I’m not looking at your medical records. Second, you got tested a few months ago. Plus, I said ‘no’ remember?”

He proceeds to ignore the whole “no” thing AGAIN and tries telling me again that I can trust him.

“I’m going now,” I tell him as I head towards the door.

“Wait!” he says, “how did you like the Chinese last night?”

“It was terrible,” I tell him with my hand on the doorknob.

“Oh, that’s okay, we can order from somewhere else next time.” He was serious.

Shockingly, there was never a next time.

Abbreviated version:

A self-absorbed doctor who looked like the kid from Up asked me on a date. I went and called him out for being a douche, in response he bought me a cheeseburger. He asked me out again and I ripped him apart for talking trash about nurses.  He asked me out again, I drank to tolerate him and my terrible Chinese food, then he told me I could sleep my drunkenness off in his bed. Out of nowhere he stripped down to tightie whities and got in bed, so I played dead. The next morning he tried to convince me to have unprotected sex with him because I could “trust” him, despite the fact that I’d only known him for three days and told him no multiple times.  

Lessons Learned:

1. There is no good Chinese food in Miami.

2.  Nurses are amazing and unappreciated.

3,  The image of the kid from Up in tightie whities is IMPOSSIBLE to get out of your mind.

4. When all else fails, play dead. 

That Time I Went on Multiple Awkward Dates Because I Didn't Want to Hurt the Guy by Saying No

Remember that time I told you that I went on a date with a rocket scientist? Well, here’s part 2 of that story.

A few days after our first date Rocket Man asked me to go to a burger/taco place with him and then get ice cream. Obviously I was in from the moment I heard “burger.”

So the Rocket Scientist who lives in Jupiter (and if you don’t think that’s hilarious then you have no sense of humor) drove to Miami just to take me on a date. While we were on our date he mentioned he was glad that he could take me out again since the old men basically stole all of my attention at the hockey game. Listen buddy, it’s not my fault those old men had more game than you.

“They didn’t have all my attention. I listened to you tell that bad joke.” I told him.

“Wow. You basically only paid attention to my worst moment. How did I get a second date?” he asked.

“You said ‘ice cream.’” I responded.

“Is that all it takes? You’ll keep dating me if I keep promising you ice cream?” he asked.

“It’ll work for a while.” I told him. I was serious.

Then Rocket Man took me to a delicious ice cream shop in Little Havana where I got a sweet plantain sundae which was amazing. We talked about Japan since he climbed Mt. Fuji and my old roommate/love of my life, Haruka, lives in Japan. Then he started to tell me about Colombia and growing up in Miami. Since his first language is Spanish I asked him to only speak Spanish to me so that I could learn. After 30 seconds I gave up on that shit and demanded English again.

I thought things had gone pretty well, but when he dropped me off he didn’t even attempt a kiss so I just awkwardly got out of the car. While I had no intention of kissing him anyway, the moment I got into my elevator I immediately texted my best friend to tell her how offended I was that he didn’t even try to kiss me and assumed that was the end of dating him.

To my surprise, he asked me on another date. So the next weekend he showed up at my apartment with flowers, candy, Arby’s, and his HBOGo password so that I could watch Game of Thrones. When I asked about the flowers and candy he told me it was his way of celebrating “Be Kind to Lawyers Day” (which is a real thing, btw). I think I may have offered to marry him at this point. I don’t really remember, I just remember being really excited to stuff my face with curly fries and watch a super pale woman-child with dragons take over some cities.

My personal hero.

We sat on my couch watching Game of Thrones and occasionally I would demand that he explain rocket science to me. Even though he’s brilliant (MIT and Stanford grad here!) he was so modest. It was really endearing. At one point I tried to convince him that spaceships had shoes. We even drew a picture so I could show him where the shoes were. It turns out those are engines, not shoes. Instead of making fun of me or giving me dirty looks for being so inept, he was a sweetheart and patiently explained everything to me.

Pretty accurate depiction of a spaceship if you ask me. 

We stayed up watching Game of Thrones and talking rocket science until 3am, and then I started falling asleep. During the entire time this mofo didn’t even try to make a move. Now, I’m not saying I wanted him to throw me on my bed and rip off my clothes, but at this point I expected at least a kiss! As I’m dozing off, Rocket Man finally leans in and pecks me on the cheek. Wtf is that? Are we in middle school on our first date at the roller rink?

I say “Are you waiting for an invitation or something?” and he hesitates for a solid 10 seconds before he finally kisses me. Umm. Okay?

Then he goes home and I seriously contemplate never seeing this guy again because, well, saying that was awkward doesn’t even begin to cover it. I assume he feels the same way because why else would he act so ridiculously uncomfortable with me?

Nope. I was wrong. He texted me the next day to ask me how I was doing. I felt bad because it’s not like there’s anything wrong with him – he’s not a jerk, he’s not offensive or a predator – he’s just a nice guy who is super awkward. So I responded to him that I was doing fine and asked him what he was doing for the day. He said something like “playing soccer, but I’ll be free after 6” and then I was like “DAMMIT! Did he take that as an invitation for a date?!” and I felt even worse, so I ended up having him over for pizza and more Game of Thrones that night which ended up being equally as awkward.

After he left my house that night (without even attempting to kiss me goodbye) I assumed that we both felt like this wasn’t happening and I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to pull the plug on this because he’s super nice and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

BUT THEN HE TEXTED ME AND ASKED ME ON ANOTHER DATE!

Are you serious? Have you been there for our past four dates that all ended awkwardly? Am I missing something here?

He asked me to a Marlin’s game because I had previously told him how much I wanted to go to one. He remembered I said I wanted to go to a game? Dammit why does he have to be so thoughtful! It would be easy to turn down a date with a jerk, but this guy is so damn nice. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SO NICE?!

So I went.

When we got to the Marlin’s game there was a crowd that we were trying to navigate through and I started swerving through it because I was in a rush to get a hot dog. He said something like “I didn’t think you’d be able to get through the crowd like that with your chair. It didn’t look like there’d be enough space.”

It was an innocent comment, but I’m a sassy douche so I said “Oh, so you think I’m fat?” I was just joking around, but apparently I’m “hard to read” and the poor Rocket Man got this shocked look on his face and said “No! No!”

Then I continued by looking at a lady who was walking next to us and I said “Did you hear that? He just called me fat!”

“Honey, you’re not fat!” she told me before she turned to him and said “she’s NOT fat!”

“Thank you!” I said as I sped up and rolled away giggling.

“You can’t do that to me! That’s not fair!”  He told me as he chased after me laughing.

After that things went pretty well. We watched the game while talking about immigration laws and gun control and a bunch of other issues that are not at all relevant to baseball. Occasionally our conversation would be interrupted when the Marlin’s got a homerun and this giant, ridiculously flamboyant statute would start singing and lighting up and I think flamingos would dance and spit water. I have no idea why this statue exists, but I became an overly excited 5 year old child every time it went off.

Look at how glorious this thing is! 

These pictures don't even do it justice. I swear Lisa Frank must have created this masterpiece. 

At one point I asked him “so what’s it like to be a virgin?”

“I AM NOT A VIRGIN!” he tried to convince me.

“Right. You’re not a virgin, but you’re afraid to kiss me.”

“I’m not afraid to kiss you.”

“You’re afraid of me in general then?” I asked.

“No. I’m afraid of rejection.” He told me.

Fuck. Now I’m never going to be able to stop seeing him. I really don’t want to hurt him now.

Later that night, as we were leaving the game, we started talking to one of the Marlin’s employees who was super cool. The guy suddenly asked “Are you guys in a relationship?

At the same time that I blurted out “NO!” I heard Rocket Man say “Yeah. Kind of.”

My reaction.

Well that’s awkward.

I felt like a complete jerk. He just told me he’s afraid of rejection and I went and did that.

But wait. HE THINKS WE’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP?! WTF?!

After that I felt so terrible that I decided that I was really going to try to like Rocket Man. Not casually “hey, you’re nice, but you’re not for me” like. No. I was going to try to go full on Helga and make him my Arnold (minus the gum shrine in the closet thing) and really like like him.

You know it's real love when you create a shrine for him out of his chewed gum. 

How did I do this? I stopped being such a douche when I texted him. Instead of giving him sass all the time I would say things like “How was your day?”  and “Sometimes I like your face, but not all of the time” (yes, that was an actual text). 

Then he asked me if he could come over and make me dinner for my birthday. I don’t know why, but this made me incredibly uncomfortable, so I made up a ton of excuses (“my oven doesn’t work” “I don’t have food in my house” “I don’t do dishes” “I get cranky when I’m hungry” “I’m picky” “I am a terrible helper”) but he INSISTED on cooking for me. Ugh. Fine.

He brought all the ingredients and a pan to cook in (because I guess he wasn’t having any of my excuses), along with candy for me to eat while he was cooking so that I wouldn’t get cranky. Damn, he’s good.

While he cooked for me I started harassing him about how he didn’t buy his mom a birthday present and that he should print a picture of him with her and frame it to give her for Mother’s Day. He smiled, nodded, and cooked like some sort of patient saint.

AND HERE’S WHERE IT GETS GOOD.

Later that night, right before we were about to go to sleep, I said something along the lines of “I have no idea where we stand” and he was completely silent. Awkward.

“No response?” I prodded.

“It’s just hard for me to talk about” he responded.

“Well it’s hard for me to continue dating someone who can’t talk about it.” I told him.

And then he said it.

He told me that he WAS really into me, but ever since the baseball game he felt like I was much more into 

him than he was into me and he felt guilty.

So essentially, ever since the baseball game, when I decided to start being nice to him, he thought that I was super into him.

I wish I could say I responded in some classy manner, but I just busted out laughing. I know. I’m terrible.

I told him how relieved I was because I wasn’t really into him but he was so nice that I didn’t know how to end things with him so I was so glad that he felt that way.

“Wait. You don’t like me at all?” He asked. “I like you, I just felt guilty because I thought you liked me more and I didn’t want to hurt you. You don’t like me?”

And then, like a complete jerk, I responded “I think you’re really nice.”

Awkward moment #27436342. Cool.

And then he left the next morning and we didn’t talk anymore.

Until today.

Today he texted me to say thanks for the Mother’s Day gift idea because his mom loved it. Then he followed up by telling me that he’s planning on cancelling his HBO at the end of May and he wanted to make sure I caught up on all the episodes of Game of Thrones before he cancelled it.

CAN HE GET ANY NICER?!?!?!!?

Abbreviated Version:

I went on multiple awkward dates with a super smart, sweet, and modest Rocket Scientist. I wasn’t super into him, but he was so nice that I didn’t know how to stop dating him because I didn’t want to hurt him. So I decided to convince myself to become super into him and I started being nicer to him. When I started being nice he thought that I was a Stage 5 Clinger. When he told me that I laughed and told him I didn’t like him. Things were super awkward, then we didn’t talk for a while, and he randomly texted me today to make sure 

that I still watch his HBO because he’s such a fucking nice guy.

Lessons Learned:
1. There are some really nice guys in the world – just not in Miami.

2. I need to learn how to stop dating people I’m not into instead of continuing to date them because I don’t want to hurt their feelings.

3. Spaceships don’t have shoes.

4. HBOGo passwords are the greatest things on earth.